Fall Regrets

It’s fall again and for the second year in a row, I haven’t gardened. As it’s now fall, I, again, am regretting it. :) I regretted it last fall when I had nothing going in my pantry. Being in the midst of a deep, dark depression, I just didn’t have it in me to do anything. As we face winter, I have nothing set aside. My canning jars are empty. My freezer, empty. It’s an odd feeling after so many years of seeing my canning shelves lined with beautiful quart and pint jars filled with an array of colors and tasty foods. All I see is empty jars and it feels like a metaphor for how my heart has felt for a while now.pantry2

I lost my desire to garden a few years ago when we reduced my garden from 2700 sq. ft to a 3rd the size. IMGP0015Then I had a horrible insect infestation and my crop was discouraging. Couple that with personal issues that were weighing on me and I just gave up. What once had filled me with so much joy and pride, now made me feel tired and uninspired. I didn’t love it anymore. IMG_0192My heart broke in two when we finally had to tear down my greenhouse. A bad storm had destroyed it, so we dismantled it, recycled the metal, and I walked away from my garden space in tears. I closed the door to gardening and all that had made me happy in order to work on healing my heart.

So, it’s fall. I have a tree full of peaches and I am willing myself to deal with them. I know I will be happy I did something with them, rather than let them rot. I’ve given quite a few away and I have some that are too ripe for anything but puree. I think I might pull out the old canner and set myself up on the patio with my canning stove and can a few jars of peaches. I think it will lift my spirits and give me some pride that I put aside SOMETHING. :)

Hi again…..

Here I am again. At my old blog. Feeling the need to post. It’s been a rough several years. I think I’ve been in the depths of a deep, dark depression that has robbed me of some serious inner peace. I’ve lost a great deal and the losses have been soul crushing. But here I am, on the upside of this hill moving toward a brighter tomorrow and a brighter future. 

Recovering from financial ruin has left me fragile and fearful. It has left me paralyzed and shaken. It has caused me to doubt many things in my life I felt were sure. I’ve sacrificed much in order to get our heads above water. I am happy to say that I feel like life is coming back into this emptiness and I am excited about the future again.

I thought blogging on a different blog would help me put some positivity back in my life. It really didn’t. It just reminded me that I’ve been running away from who I am and what used to genuinely make me happy. For a while there, it was all I could do to just get out of bed, go to work, come home, feed my family, and start over the next day. 

I am a person that needs a goal and a focus. I don’t do well without a vision. We’ve been in this limbo for so many years that I finally declared that we need a focus and a goal for our family. I think for the first time my husband and I are on the same page. We know where we want to go with our future and how to get there. I believe the past has taught us what is important and what isn’t. It’s put some things into perspective and caused us to re-evaluate our values, our beliefs, and the way we live our lives. It’s been really, really good. As with loss and change comes a great deal of grief and adjustment and I’ve waded in some murky waters trying to accept the new norm. 

I read an article the other day that helped me prioritize our goal. Our goal is to become mortgage free. This is #1 in our life right now. When you nearly lose everything, you realize how close you are to being homeless. Some people, in the economic downturn, did lose everything. We lost everything but our home….and nearly that. It is our desire to never be in that position again.

Money is tight. Very tight. But we have a plan. We sat down and wrote out our goals for achieving our goal. It will probably take a few years to see this plan to fruition. But each step is a step closer. I feel excited at the prospect of one day buying land and building a home on it with cash. This is not an unrealistic dream. It’s a dream that gives me hope for the future.

So on the advice of the article linked above, I’ve started actively being grateful. I’m not writing them down. I’m not a journaler. Every time I think a negative thought, I’m disciplining myself to come back with 2-3 positive thoughts of gratitude. I’ve found my mood and perspective on life greatly improve. The daily practice is moving a mile every day. Walking, running, treadmill…whatever. We’ve gone back to a cash basis for everything. This is helping us keep to our budget better. The more we track our spending, the more we will be able to analyze and see where we could do without – and putting that money in savings. We have our plan written out so we can see the steps we need to take to get to our dream. 

As for Green Thumb Mama…she’s still here. She’s finding herself again. She’s seeing light again. :)